Sometimes I am so lost in this universe. Boo-hoo, cliche. But honestly, it's like I'm just floating around. I'm not sure if we all have an actual purpose or if everyone creates their own purpose. I guess it's the latter because if we all had a purpose, you'd figure someone would've told us what it was by now.

I think about dying every now and then, but I'd never kill myself. I know there's going to be a time where I can live with myself, for myself and I guess that's what I'm waiting for.

I have a job and I don't like it. My boss is an asshole, he can't get my name right, everyone makes fun of me for having a crush on one of the employees (which I actually find sort of amusing, i guess), and I work pretty much alone unless one of the cooks starts a talk. Yesterday, one of them asked me how my boyfriend was or some shit, i couldn't really understand him. And I was like, "My boyfriend?" And he pointed at the cute employee who got all embarrassed and turned around to cook his meat. I'm a vegetarian. I told him I don't date guys who cook meat. We laughed about it and it didn't bother me; I'm glad I can joke about that shit. We're at the point where everyone openly discusses my crush.

This is what has made me get over it real, real fast. And now that I don't get butterflies in my stomach before work anymore, it's really fucking boring and lame and I can't stand all the meat. But I can't quit until I get another job. Whatever. I honestly just don't care about the job at all, only the money.

I'm lucky to even have a job.
I'll be more happy once I start meditating again.

I'll be back. I'm sleepy.

I dropped this like I drop everything and picked it up again because i felt like i needed it, which is what i always do.

anyways, long time no post.

i think i'm getting deperssed again, but i'm okay some of the time, so it's alright.

i'm too high to write about all the stuff i want to write about, so i'll be back. i'm going to go to sleep after i eat a bowl of cherios and almond milk. sleep and food are two things to live for, i'll have to remember that later.

back again.

so, what you missed? i'll try to do it in four sentences or less: I didn't go out on a date with that boy because it was my aunt's last day in america and she's more important. I snuck around with her to see my old friends and watch Scott Pilgrim (which I LOVED) and steal cigarettes. Then I spent about two weeks or so with my best friend who came in from Utah but she's gone now. That's why I haven't posted shit for a while.



Oh. Four sentences. Cool.



In other, more repetative news, I feel like I'm fucking everything up. This is the fifth time I've moved in the past year and a half and the second time I have to start my life over. Not COMPLETELY, but mostly. I start school next Tuesday and I've been looking for a job but fuck. I have had absolutely fucking nothing to do. It's driving me to fucking tears of boredom. I want to drink. I want to find pills. I want some fucking friends. I feel like I could do without them if I had some substance, but at least I know by now that that only goes so far.



I miss my Mom. It's weird. I don't know what I thought was going to happen. I don't even think about her sometimes, but it just hit me today. I don't even know what I miss.



I'm also kind of angry with myself because I keep having things with people and then I tell them I like them or I want them or whatever it is. And then I don't mean it. And then I get scared. And then I keep going along with it.



But I still like this boy, I think. I think, I think, I think. He's dirty. I mean, that's not what I like, but it's just a fact. He's nice, too, but I'm still scared about something. Like, sometimes it feels safe and then it feels bad. I'm going to keep it at a distance because I just don't want it to get serious. I don't know. Plus, I don't know if I've said this before, but sometimes he doesn't get my jokes. And that turns me off. I don't know. Humor means a lot and sometimes it's just like... Cricket, cricket. So, there's that.

There's also this girl I'm supposed to go out with in a while. I used to really be into her and today I told her that and I just wasn't into it, but I kept going anyways. I don't know why I do that. It's a lot like lying, but it never starts out as a lie.

In short, I need to fucking start something soon. Work, school, fucking something. Pleeeeaaasseee, God, Saints, PEOPLE, give me something to do with my life.

woah.

Sorry, five followers, it's been a while.

I will update you all on the shitty shitness of shit in a little while. Don't you panic, the truth awaits!

Or something like that.

scratch that

I'm a whiney teenage girl. That's not going to change.

I'm going on the date. You're only played if you let yourself be. So I could be right about him or wrong about him, but I'm going to make fun out of it because I deserve it.

Hell yes I do.

DON'T LET THE BITCHES GET YOU DOWN.

I pick the worst people. People that are too far, too crazy, too unfaithful (any kind of unfaithful is bad enough), or too taken or some shit like that. I try not to take it too seriously anyways, because I'm only fucking seventeen but I have horrible luck thus far. Anyways, I always knew that the boy I've been talking to mainly has friends that are girls and that bothered me even though we were never going to be anything serious. But I got over it after a while because I figured my jealousy was just completely unnecessary. They're just friends or whatever and I hardly have any girls for friends so it's the same thing when people date me. But it bothered me because even though I didn't want to, I like him. Liked, sort of. I just don't want to waste my time on any bullshit anymore and I'm going to pull out (lolz) at the first sign of red-flagged bullshitedness.

His ex-girlfriend is always around and they're always hanging out, but I hang out with some of my ex-boyfriends so I didn't think anything of it. If they wanted to be dating, they would still be. But then I saw a picture of her kissing his cheek and I was over going out with him this Saturday. It could just be a friendly thing, but c'mon. I don't know if I'm reading too much into it or not. But I found out he basically does all the same shit with all these girls that he does with me. Calling and videos and shit and it made me feel stupid. I don't know if he's saying the same things to them as he says to me but he's a douchey teenage boy. Isn't that what they do? There's always the possibility that it's in my head, though, because in a lot of my relationships I get cheated on amongst other shit.

I'm considering going just to get my own personal fill, but I really think I'm just going to tell him I don't want to go out anymore. And fuck giving him the mix, that's stupid. I'll save it for someone better. I don't know. I know we won't amount to anything so it shouldn't really matter, but why waste my time at all? I can't tell if I'm being irrational or not, but I feel like even thinking about it is a waste of time. So, fuck it. I hope he has fun in college, because I know I'm going to eventually.

day whatever.

Yeah, I stopped keeping track of the days. I applied for some jobs, went to school campus, and got a library card. Cool beans. Jive ho, Long Beach.

I made a dubstep mix for my friend's birthday and another for the boy. I don't know if I'll give to him or not because I don't want him to think I like him. ( HAHA.) I just think he would appreciate the mix, in all honesty. We were talking about dubstep, which is a genre I love alike the boy, and I'm a pirating fiend on the internet so lately I've been downloading like crazy. I've found some awesome mixes, so I've been throwing CDs together for awesome people. (I'll make one of you- any of the five of you followers- a mix if you want! I love making mixes.) I think I'll give it to him. Who cares what he makes of it, he's leaving and besides, it's good music.

My aunt is leaving, like I said, so I'm going tomorrow afternoon to see her through til Sunday. I'm not looking forward to being in my mom's house, but I miss my cats. Oh, yeah, and my aunt too. But there's going to be a period of time where it'll just be my mom and I on Sunday and I'm really, really not looking forward to it. I don't want to talk about drugs anymore and how stupid I am in subtle but seriously insinuating words, but it's bound to come. I'm going to try to be nice, but we'll see how it goes. I feel like it's too soon for me to be around her because when she calls me I get angry hearing her voice. I don't want to fuck up our relationship, but I need more time.

I'm going to find a way to see my friends for a little at least; They're way more important to me than this boy and I've found a way to make time to see him. I don't plan on getting fucked up, but there was a little while there when I was thinking about ways to get pills fronted to me or something like that. I really shouldn't. I won't. I wouldn't have anywhere to go if I did and it went wrong except for jail, because of my dad. I can't risk this shit.

I still need to email my counselor and tell her I'm not coming around anymore. I procrastinate. I probably won't tell her until the day before like last time even though I'm on my computer now and could type up a page to her. Thinking about it makes me feel exhausted, though.