I make mistakes. I'm a human despite my 'about me' saying I'm a robot, I just would rather be sometimes. So, there's this boy whose from where I used to live. (So you know, there are about five 'where I used to lives' in my life in the past two years.) I mean the most recent ones, though. When I lived in my last three places with mother in the two cities next to my second high school... Anyways, there's this boy. Two years ago we were in the same beginning Spanish class together and he always ended up sitting next to me and mmmmyyyy goooodddness, at my last school I didn't have that many high school crushes, but I'm going to be honest here... I used to fuck this boy with my eyes, mostly when he wasn't looking but sometimes he would catch me. You know, that awkward eye thing when you meet a person's gaze and then they wonder how long you've been staring at them but you look away really quickly like it didn't just happen. Yeah. There were a lot of those. I was never going to say anything to him, though. I don't know why, I guess I didn't care enough, which is how I am with a lot of things. Or I might have been dating someone at the time, I don't really remember.
ANYWAYS, a few weeks ago he added me on facebook. (Zomg, facebook!) And I didn't even know who he was at first, but I accepted it to look at his pictures and after I got past the profile, it clicked, but I didn't think much of it because I didn't really see him around after that year. I still appreciated his prettiness, though, and a week after that he IMed me and we started talking. He brought up how he used to stare at me and talked about the "awkward eye thing" and told me he had a baby espanol class crush on me. Haha! It's too bad I didn't talk to him aside from asking stupid questions about how to say 'table' or 'bus' even though I already knew how. He said he felt something there but didn't want to ever say anything because he thought it might've been in his head. How human of us.
So, that kicked off the talking and I became an idiot after the first day we talked. He told me he was going away for college, not that far, just an hour away. But college is college and so I decided I wouldn't get that into this. And to my surprise (NOT) we've been talking every day and last night we stayed up til two in the morning alternating on aim, skype, and the phone. He called me to say goodnight and he pisses me off! I am trying my best to brush him off (probably not my best, but as best as someone who talks to you every day all day can brush someone off) when he gets fucking flirty with me, but it's so hard. I don't want to be that person who is the at-home other. Does that make sense? I don't know. It's so hard for me to see good out of relationships and everything about this feels bad. (My therapist tells me that I sabotage myself all the time when something good comes around, but I think this is different because he's leaving.)
Last night he was so fucking GJLAEJTIEJATGLK. GRAH. My computer died, so skype turned off and I talked to him on aim on my phone for another hour or something and then I told him I was going to bed. He told me to call him because he wanted to say goodnight that way, but I said no, maybe tomorrow because I don't want to get deeper in the shit. And the fucker called me after I signed off! And then we talked for another half-hour and I woke up this morning smiling; he was the first thing I thought about. And then I got pissed off because I don't want to be giddy about something unrealistic. It is unrealistic right?
He mapquested how far his college is to where I live now and he kept saying "it's only fifty minutes!" And then he talked to me about these movies and told me we were going to go see them together and that he was going to take me out and would kiss me, if that's alright. Then we started talking dirty, not that dirty, but kind of. I have a really dirty mind and I joke a lot of the time about perverted things because I can't help it, but it kind of turned serious for a little while and that only made it worse. I haven't hooked up with someone in like a month and I was fucked up, so that doesn't really count, and the lastbefore that was at least three months before that with my ex-girlfriend. I don't care as much about that, though, but if he was actually around, I probably would.
Nucking futs! Maybe I'm just fussing over nothing. Probably. Either way, this shit sucks and he said he's going to call me when he wakes up. I need to turn this shit off, like now.
P.S. Dad warned me that if he had any suspicions AT ALL, he would call up one of his cop friends (former military man of twenty-six years and piggy as of last year) and they would arrest me. He told me he loves me, but he needs me to stop. I told him that won't be necessary. There won't be anymore problems like that.
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