back again.

so, what you missed? i'll try to do it in four sentences or less: I didn't go out on a date with that boy because it was my aunt's last day in america and she's more important. I snuck around with her to see my old friends and watch Scott Pilgrim (which I LOVED) and steal cigarettes. Then I spent about two weeks or so with my best friend who came in from Utah but she's gone now. That's why I haven't posted shit for a while.



Oh. Four sentences. Cool.



In other, more repetative news, I feel like I'm fucking everything up. This is the fifth time I've moved in the past year and a half and the second time I have to start my life over. Not COMPLETELY, but mostly. I start school next Tuesday and I've been looking for a job but fuck. I have had absolutely fucking nothing to do. It's driving me to fucking tears of boredom. I want to drink. I want to find pills. I want some fucking friends. I feel like I could do without them if I had some substance, but at least I know by now that that only goes so far.



I miss my Mom. It's weird. I don't know what I thought was going to happen. I don't even think about her sometimes, but it just hit me today. I don't even know what I miss.



I'm also kind of angry with myself because I keep having things with people and then I tell them I like them or I want them or whatever it is. And then I don't mean it. And then I get scared. And then I keep going along with it.



But I still like this boy, I think. I think, I think, I think. He's dirty. I mean, that's not what I like, but it's just a fact. He's nice, too, but I'm still scared about something. Like, sometimes it feels safe and then it feels bad. I'm going to keep it at a distance because I just don't want it to get serious. I don't know. Plus, I don't know if I've said this before, but sometimes he doesn't get my jokes. And that turns me off. I don't know. Humor means a lot and sometimes it's just like... Cricket, cricket. So, there's that.

There's also this girl I'm supposed to go out with in a while. I used to really be into her and today I told her that and I just wasn't into it, but I kept going anyways. I don't know why I do that. It's a lot like lying, but it never starts out as a lie.

In short, I need to fucking start something soon. Work, school, fucking something. Pleeeeaaasseee, God, Saints, PEOPLE, give me something to do with my life.

woah.

Sorry, five followers, it's been a while.

I will update you all on the shitty shitness of shit in a little while. Don't you panic, the truth awaits!

Or something like that.

scratch that

I'm a whiney teenage girl. That's not going to change.

I'm going on the date. You're only played if you let yourself be. So I could be right about him or wrong about him, but I'm going to make fun out of it because I deserve it.

Hell yes I do.

DON'T LET THE BITCHES GET YOU DOWN.

I pick the worst people. People that are too far, too crazy, too unfaithful (any kind of unfaithful is bad enough), or too taken or some shit like that. I try not to take it too seriously anyways, because I'm only fucking seventeen but I have horrible luck thus far. Anyways, I always knew that the boy I've been talking to mainly has friends that are girls and that bothered me even though we were never going to be anything serious. But I got over it after a while because I figured my jealousy was just completely unnecessary. They're just friends or whatever and I hardly have any girls for friends so it's the same thing when people date me. But it bothered me because even though I didn't want to, I like him. Liked, sort of. I just don't want to waste my time on any bullshit anymore and I'm going to pull out (lolz) at the first sign of red-flagged bullshitedness.

His ex-girlfriend is always around and they're always hanging out, but I hang out with some of my ex-boyfriends so I didn't think anything of it. If they wanted to be dating, they would still be. But then I saw a picture of her kissing his cheek and I was over going out with him this Saturday. It could just be a friendly thing, but c'mon. I don't know if I'm reading too much into it or not. But I found out he basically does all the same shit with all these girls that he does with me. Calling and videos and shit and it made me feel stupid. I don't know if he's saying the same things to them as he says to me but he's a douchey teenage boy. Isn't that what they do? There's always the possibility that it's in my head, though, because in a lot of my relationships I get cheated on amongst other shit.

I'm considering going just to get my own personal fill, but I really think I'm just going to tell him I don't want to go out anymore. And fuck giving him the mix, that's stupid. I'll save it for someone better. I don't know. I know we won't amount to anything so it shouldn't really matter, but why waste my time at all? I can't tell if I'm being irrational or not, but I feel like even thinking about it is a waste of time. So, fuck it. I hope he has fun in college, because I know I'm going to eventually.

day whatever.

Yeah, I stopped keeping track of the days. I applied for some jobs, went to school campus, and got a library card. Cool beans. Jive ho, Long Beach.

I made a dubstep mix for my friend's birthday and another for the boy. I don't know if I'll give to him or not because I don't want him to think I like him. ( HAHA.) I just think he would appreciate the mix, in all honesty. We were talking about dubstep, which is a genre I love alike the boy, and I'm a pirating fiend on the internet so lately I've been downloading like crazy. I've found some awesome mixes, so I've been throwing CDs together for awesome people. (I'll make one of you- any of the five of you followers- a mix if you want! I love making mixes.) I think I'll give it to him. Who cares what he makes of it, he's leaving and besides, it's good music.

My aunt is leaving, like I said, so I'm going tomorrow afternoon to see her through til Sunday. I'm not looking forward to being in my mom's house, but I miss my cats. Oh, yeah, and my aunt too. But there's going to be a period of time where it'll just be my mom and I on Sunday and I'm really, really not looking forward to it. I don't want to talk about drugs anymore and how stupid I am in subtle but seriously insinuating words, but it's bound to come. I'm going to try to be nice, but we'll see how it goes. I feel like it's too soon for me to be around her because when she calls me I get angry hearing her voice. I don't want to fuck up our relationship, but I need more time.

I'm going to find a way to see my friends for a little at least; They're way more important to me than this boy and I've found a way to make time to see him. I don't plan on getting fucked up, but there was a little while there when I was thinking about ways to get pills fronted to me or something like that. I really shouldn't. I won't. I wouldn't have anywhere to go if I did and it went wrong except for jail, because of my dad. I can't risk this shit.

I still need to email my counselor and tell her I'm not coming around anymore. I procrastinate. I probably won't tell her until the day before like last time even though I'm on my computer now and could type up a page to her. Thinking about it makes me feel exhausted, though.

cool.

My aunt got home (to my mom's house) tonight and we started chatting. She's going to help me get out when I go visit this weekend to see her so I can see the boy I've been chatting with before he goes to school. Gotta love her.

Anyways, she told my my mom told her when they were on the phone that she cries about me being gone. I'm not surprised but I can't tell if she's just saying it or actually crying. I can't tell how I feel about my mother, my feelings have always been warped and I never know the truth about her intensions. Either way, I didn't need to hear that.


I'm pretty excited for Saturday to see this boy. Stupid me. I guess the good thing about it is if I do something stupid, he's moving away for college.

Yeah.

.

i hate feelings.


but feeling nothing is not human. sometimes i feel nothing but never when i want to.


also, my step grandmother was nice today. (i'm going to start calling her 'grandma' because that's what i call her in person anyways.) it made me feel bad for saying she was fucking annoying but it doesn't change the fact that she was yesterday. today is just a new day.

and i don't feel much right now.




i want my best friend right now. she's the only one who really understands me and is the only one who has ever been able to my whole life, i think. but i feel like we're falling apart. i feel that much and it scares me.

day 4

I cried yesterday. I was waiting for it to happen, but I already feel better today. I hardly cry. I hate it. I usually feel better after especially because I dont like holding onto things, but it makes me feel week and I can't get tears out much anyways. I can't even remember the last time I cried, but everything kind of just came crashing down. The reality of things and this crappy situation. I have to remember that it gets bad before it gets good, right? That's usually the case, anyways, I think.

I also stopped taking my meds three days ago. I think that might've contributed. My freakish moodswings are back and my crouded thoughts and all that stupid shit. I need to go back on them, I think. I texted my mom telling her I thought I should get them back and she said it's probably just because I'm going crazy living here and I could come back if I get a job and respect her. Fuck her.

She kicked me out three years ago when I was going into high school because she thought I had an eating disorder (I don't and I never did, she creates stories in her head and fully believes them) and after throwing a cookbook at my face I told her I wasn't coming back and she said 'fine, don't.' But I did because I was only fourteen and going to a different high school scared me plus she kept asking me to come back. My dad says it's because she wants the money she gets from child support and part of me believes that's true, but I don't know. She's way materialistic, especially since she moved to the Laguna Dana Point area. After I came back, we moved five times and got in more fights. I probably should've just stayed gone, but that's what I can do now.

My Step-Grandmother can be really fucking annoying. Don't get me wrong, I love her and her thick accent but she complains about everything and I've been cleaning so much since I got here and she says otherwise.

There's about to be ten people living here. I don't even have my own bed. I'll do my best. Even this, with all the complications, is better than living with my mother.

okayokayokay,

So, it's starting to work and I feel better now. I'm jamming my head with reality. I hope I meet someone totally awesome in college, but if I don't that's one less distraction.

(:

That's positive thinking, right?

God help me.

I've been talking to him all day again inbetween our lives. (Mine is kind of absent at the moment for obvious reasons. I registered for a new college today though!) He's going to a bon fire thing right now but before he left me asked me to kiss him goodbye through the camera. Guilty, I did it. But so did he!

This needs to stop. Hey emotions, turn off.

fuck you, you fucking skany-ass, slutfaced bitch

Keep being an asshole, PLEASE. It's so much easier to get over you this way.

I spent too much time feeling bad about going seperate ways with my ex that I forgot why I didn't really like her in the first place.I always want what I can't have and I forget that that's how I am. I was being nice, hoping she was happy. I never said I fucking wanted you back, dumb fuck.

I try to be nice to people and then they remind me why I fucking don't like people.



My dad is dipping a banana in his yogurt and it's making me feel better because he's spilling.



Really, she's not worth my time, thoughts, or even this post. I don't know why I ever subjected myself to her, ever. I won't spend anymore breath or thoughts on you anymore, you don't need to worry. Over it.

something i noticed:

Don't get me wrong, I love God, totally a believer in Him right here (even though my beliefs are wrapped up in a weird mindset involving Saints and the Universe and laws of attraction) but is every fucking blog on this site religious?

day 2.5: I'm an idiot.

I make mistakes. I'm a human despite my 'about me' saying I'm a robot, I just would rather be sometimes. So, there's this boy whose from where I used to live. (So you know, there are about five 'where I used to lives' in my life in the past two years.) I mean the most recent ones, though. When I lived in my last three places with mother in the two cities next to my second high school... Anyways, there's this boy. Two years ago we were in the same beginning Spanish class together and he always ended up sitting next to me and mmmmyyyy goooodddness, at my last school I didn't have that many high school crushes, but I'm going to be honest here... I used to fuck this boy with my eyes, mostly when he wasn't looking but sometimes he would catch me. You know, that awkward eye thing when you meet a person's gaze and then they wonder how long you've been staring at them but you look away really quickly like it didn't just happen. Yeah. There were a lot of those. I was never going to say anything to him, though. I don't know why, I guess I didn't care enough, which is how I am with a lot of things. Or I might have been dating someone at the time, I don't really remember.

ANYWAYS, a few weeks ago he added me on facebook. (Zomg, facebook!) And I didn't even know who he was at first, but I accepted it to look at his pictures and after I got past the profile, it clicked, but I didn't think much of it because I didn't really see him around after that year. I still appreciated his prettiness, though, and a week after that he IMed me and we started talking. He brought up how he used to stare at me and talked about the "awkward eye thing" and told me he had a baby espanol class crush on me. Haha! It's too bad I didn't talk to him aside from asking stupid questions about how to say 'table' or 'bus' even though I already knew how. He said he felt something there but didn't want to ever say anything because he thought it might've been in his head. How human of us.

So, that kicked off the talking and I became an idiot after the first day we talked. He told me he was going away for college, not that far, just an hour away. But college is college and so I decided I wouldn't get that into this. And to my surprise (NOT) we've been talking every day and last night we stayed up til two in the morning alternating on aim, skype, and the phone. He called me to say goodnight and he pisses me off! I am trying my best to brush him off (probably not my best, but as best as someone who talks to you every day all day can brush someone off) when he gets fucking flirty with me, but it's so hard. I don't want to be that person who is the at-home other. Does that make sense? I don't know. It's so hard for me to see good out of relationships and everything about this feels bad. (My therapist tells me that I sabotage myself all the time when something good comes around, but I think this is different because he's leaving.)

Last night he was so fucking GJLAEJTIEJATGLK. GRAH. My computer died, so skype turned off and I talked to him on aim on my phone for another hour or something and then I told him I was going to bed. He told me to call him because he wanted to say goodnight that way, but I said no, maybe tomorrow because I don't want to get deeper in the shit. And the fucker called me after I signed off! And then we talked for another half-hour and I woke up this morning smiling; he was the first thing I thought about. And then I got pissed off because I don't want to be giddy about something unrealistic. It is unrealistic right?

He mapquested how far his college is to where I live now and he kept saying "it's only fifty minutes!" And then he talked to me about these movies and told me we were going to go see them together and that he was going to take me out and would kiss me, if that's alright. Then we started talking dirty, not that dirty, but kind of. I have a really dirty mind and I joke a lot of the time about perverted things because I can't help it, but it kind of turned serious for a little while and that only made it worse. I haven't hooked up with someone in like a month and I was fucked up, so that doesn't really count, and the lastbefore that was at least three months before that with my ex-girlfriend. I don't care as much about that, though, but if he was actually around, I probably would.

Nucking futs! Maybe I'm just fussing over nothing. Probably. Either way, this shit sucks and he said he's going to call me when he wakes up. I need to turn this shit off, like now.

P.S. Dad warned me that if he had any suspicions AT ALL, he would call up one of his cop friends (former military man of twenty-six years and piggy as of last year) and they would arrest me. He told me he loves me, but he needs me to stop. I told him that won't be necessary. There won't be anymore problems like that.

day one

I made it to my dad's. Hoo-rah. With three trashbags full of belongings that he helped me carry into the house while my four step sisters were out. (They still don't know I'm moving in permanently, they think I'm just here for a visit, like normal.) I told him I wanted to wait so they wouldn't know just yet. I'm embarrassed, honestly. They're Hollister-loving, church going, cheerleaders and they're wild but in a safer way than myself. I feel so dirty sometimes; like, tainted or something when I look at them and their lives. I don't want them to know the full truth about me. It makes me feel like a bad person. His fiancee knows, though. The whole story. Well, kind of a half-assed version, but mainly the whole story. She knows I'm out of my mom's because of drugs and suspicions and cut-throat talks. It's her house, though, so she has a right to know, and what's different about her is that she loves me and I can feel it. I love her too. I love this whole family so much. But I can tell I'm going to go crazy sometimes.

It's like a hotel here. There are four rooms and eight people, going on nine when the school year starts including our two dogs. Sisters, Grandma, Uncle, Step Mom, Dad, Puppies, and soon an exchange student from Italy who is moving here to go to high school with my sisters for water polo. She's going to be a foster-kid for a while. Y'know, one of those live-in things. Anyways, it's hella fucking hectic up in here. The girls are great, I really do love them like sisters, but my God (sorry for using your name like that, Buddy), they are like always on their periods or some shit. Fighting, screaming, slapping, stealing clothes. I'm not too used to it full-time, but I guess I'm about to be.

This house is so different from my mom's. Like, polar-opposite different. Even with the craziness, it can be nice, reeeeaaal lovely.

I think I might be bi-polar or something. I know there's something more than depression. I was seeing a pshycotherapist when I lived with my mom and I just got put on meds. My mom and some friends told me I was more flat-lined. Not zombie-like, but not as crazy as before. My ups and downs weren't really there anymore. My mom always told me I had crazy mood swings. Anyways, I stopped taking the meds yesterday. Who knows if they were actually doing anything for me or not because I fucked around on them, which was probably stupid, but she said there was a difference. I didn't notice much. Which reminds me, I still need to tell my therapist I won't be coming back to see her again. And I thought we were making progress. Darn. There's always Long Beach therapists... I guess. I just don't want to suck more money out of this family than needed.

Anyways, it's day one and I already feel oodles better than I did living at my mom's. Maybe that'll change, who knows.

My mom told me today that she thinks I'm going to get sick of it and come back to her house, even though she holds sending me away ove rmy head all the time. Yeah, right. I'm never going back there.

starting starts somewhere

Sometimes shit just happens too fast for me to really understand how I got to where I ended up. Kind of like now. I don't know where the beginning is, so I'll rewind a bit to when I decided I was going to be sober, about two and a half weeks ago. It seemed the most rational thing for me to do, because I'm not old enough to live on my own yet and I kept getting into a lot of trouble for all the things I'd done.

Well, I stopped smoking pot and taking pills, but I couldn't just drop everything. I don't know. After a while of routinely doing something, it becomes second nature. I wouldn't say I'm addicted to anything, just accoustomed to it all and I didn't really want to stop anyways, which made it that much harder. (Well, I did want to stop, but there was a bigger part of me that wasn't commited, I guess.) And it seemed like everywhere I went, there was no getting rid of it. I surrounded myself with people who were in the same rut as myself but didn't think of it as a rut like I was starting to. They were my best friends. They are my best friends, actually.

...
I've had depression as long as I can remember really, which is grade school I think, and so any kind of drug wouldn't work towards me moreso than if I didn't have little mental shits. If I wasn't high off something, the lows were a lot worse than they were before, even if they were shitty then. I think that was probably the main force that was motivating me to just stop it all, but also the same reason I couldn't. I hate being sober. I hate being stuck with my stupid thoughts and I hate never feeling like I'm going to be happy about anything. And when I'm high, I feel dirty but better and then worse when it's over. Clearly conflicted.

Anyways, two weeks ago was the last bowl I smoked because a week before that, I'd gotten in trouble for probably the third time involving drugs or alcohol. I promised myself that after I finished the sac I had, then I would be done smoking weed (and that was the only thing I swore off at the time) until I could live on my own, away from my mother and her fiancee. Woops, I mean husband. (That's still weird for me to even type.) So, I made it public to my friends that I would revoke my blazing ...privaledges and it was alright for a while. My mom started to let me out again, no more fucking house arrest, and would feel better about it if I took my aunt with me who is visiting from Argentina. Of course, my mother had no idea and still has no idea that her sister is a fat pothead who was also an acid-seeking, occasional pill-popper that fit right in with my ganggg. And she would never be able to tell when we squished three eyedrops into each eye and sprayed cheap perfume all over to mask the smell of various smokes. We were always paranoid thinking she would smell us, but I'm sure we didn't smell like much most of the time anyways. Whatever, she never found out and that's the important part.

So, I finished my weed and my aunt was actually surprised I decided to follow through with not smoking. However I picked up cigarettes again and drinking more often, so it was a trade. But I told my mom I stopped blazing and I did. Only, I got drunk every day instead. (The last time I got drunk was last week and I was too fucked up. I blacked out a few times, something I haven't done in a year, and puked possibly more than three times. I started drinking at two and was finally only tipsy around one in the morning, when I took some mushrooms with my friend and never went to sleep.) Needless to say, still not really being too healthy. But after the last I was shitfaced, I couldn't down anything or even smell it without gagging. So, the past week I've been sober and two nights ago I was in a terrible mood. I don't even know why, it just happens to me sometimes. But this day that I was in a terrible mood was the very day I told my friends I wanted to be sober from everything. Drinking, smoking, pills, even cigarettes. They thought I was joking at first, but I told them I was serious. And I needed them to help me and they agreed. They said they would, and would stop joking around asking me to hit it if I didn't want to.

So, I come home, still pissed off, probably because everyone was fucked up aside from myself and my other friend, and I want to go to my room. I should've thought more about how this would've looked. Mother calls me into the living room, step-father watches closely without saying anything like he always does, and asks me where I've been. Then tells me I'm on drugs. Your eyes are glossy! You smell like smoke!

Funny thing is, fucker, I didn't even smoke a cigarette, I was on the beach, and they were all drinking, not smoking. So, I'm punished for her suspicions and sentenced to my room. I haven't left my room except to eat and piss since then. Stupid fucks, both of them. And now I'm getting sent to my Dad's house. But honestly, I'd rather be there than here. I packed all my shit and I'm not coming back to live here with her and him. I don't like them, not just because they always punish me, (with reason and without, which is fucking shit) but because we will never get along. We never have, with or without drugs.

I hate this house.