day whatever.

Yeah, I stopped keeping track of the days. I applied for some jobs, went to school campus, and got a library card. Cool beans. Jive ho, Long Beach.

I made a dubstep mix for my friend's birthday and another for the boy. I don't know if I'll give to him or not because I don't want him to think I like him. ( HAHA.) I just think he would appreciate the mix, in all honesty. We were talking about dubstep, which is a genre I love alike the boy, and I'm a pirating fiend on the internet so lately I've been downloading like crazy. I've found some awesome mixes, so I've been throwing CDs together for awesome people. (I'll make one of you- any of the five of you followers- a mix if you want! I love making mixes.) I think I'll give it to him. Who cares what he makes of it, he's leaving and besides, it's good music.

My aunt is leaving, like I said, so I'm going tomorrow afternoon to see her through til Sunday. I'm not looking forward to being in my mom's house, but I miss my cats. Oh, yeah, and my aunt too. But there's going to be a period of time where it'll just be my mom and I on Sunday and I'm really, really not looking forward to it. I don't want to talk about drugs anymore and how stupid I am in subtle but seriously insinuating words, but it's bound to come. I'm going to try to be nice, but we'll see how it goes. I feel like it's too soon for me to be around her because when she calls me I get angry hearing her voice. I don't want to fuck up our relationship, but I need more time.

I'm going to find a way to see my friends for a little at least; They're way more important to me than this boy and I've found a way to make time to see him. I don't plan on getting fucked up, but there was a little while there when I was thinking about ways to get pills fronted to me or something like that. I really shouldn't. I won't. I wouldn't have anywhere to go if I did and it went wrong except for jail, because of my dad. I can't risk this shit.

I still need to email my counselor and tell her I'm not coming around anymore. I procrastinate. I probably won't tell her until the day before like last time even though I'm on my computer now and could type up a page to her. Thinking about it makes me feel exhausted, though.

cool.

My aunt got home (to my mom's house) tonight and we started chatting. She's going to help me get out when I go visit this weekend to see her so I can see the boy I've been chatting with before he goes to school. Gotta love her.

Anyways, she told my my mom told her when they were on the phone that she cries about me being gone. I'm not surprised but I can't tell if she's just saying it or actually crying. I can't tell how I feel about my mother, my feelings have always been warped and I never know the truth about her intensions. Either way, I didn't need to hear that.


I'm pretty excited for Saturday to see this boy. Stupid me. I guess the good thing about it is if I do something stupid, he's moving away for college.

Yeah.

.

i hate feelings.


but feeling nothing is not human. sometimes i feel nothing but never when i want to.


also, my step grandmother was nice today. (i'm going to start calling her 'grandma' because that's what i call her in person anyways.) it made me feel bad for saying she was fucking annoying but it doesn't change the fact that she was yesterday. today is just a new day.

and i don't feel much right now.




i want my best friend right now. she's the only one who really understands me and is the only one who has ever been able to my whole life, i think. but i feel like we're falling apart. i feel that much and it scares me.

day 4

I cried yesterday. I was waiting for it to happen, but I already feel better today. I hardly cry. I hate it. I usually feel better after especially because I dont like holding onto things, but it makes me feel week and I can't get tears out much anyways. I can't even remember the last time I cried, but everything kind of just came crashing down. The reality of things and this crappy situation. I have to remember that it gets bad before it gets good, right? That's usually the case, anyways, I think.

I also stopped taking my meds three days ago. I think that might've contributed. My freakish moodswings are back and my crouded thoughts and all that stupid shit. I need to go back on them, I think. I texted my mom telling her I thought I should get them back and she said it's probably just because I'm going crazy living here and I could come back if I get a job and respect her. Fuck her.

She kicked me out three years ago when I was going into high school because she thought I had an eating disorder (I don't and I never did, she creates stories in her head and fully believes them) and after throwing a cookbook at my face I told her I wasn't coming back and she said 'fine, don't.' But I did because I was only fourteen and going to a different high school scared me plus she kept asking me to come back. My dad says it's because she wants the money she gets from child support and part of me believes that's true, but I don't know. She's way materialistic, especially since she moved to the Laguna Dana Point area. After I came back, we moved five times and got in more fights. I probably should've just stayed gone, but that's what I can do now.

My Step-Grandmother can be really fucking annoying. Don't get me wrong, I love her and her thick accent but she complains about everything and I've been cleaning so much since I got here and she says otherwise.

There's about to be ten people living here. I don't even have my own bed. I'll do my best. Even this, with all the complications, is better than living with my mother.

okayokayokay,

So, it's starting to work and I feel better now. I'm jamming my head with reality. I hope I meet someone totally awesome in college, but if I don't that's one less distraction.

(:

That's positive thinking, right?

God help me.

I've been talking to him all day again inbetween our lives. (Mine is kind of absent at the moment for obvious reasons. I registered for a new college today though!) He's going to a bon fire thing right now but before he left me asked me to kiss him goodbye through the camera. Guilty, I did it. But so did he!

This needs to stop. Hey emotions, turn off.

fuck you, you fucking skany-ass, slutfaced bitch

Keep being an asshole, PLEASE. It's so much easier to get over you this way.

I spent too much time feeling bad about going seperate ways with my ex that I forgot why I didn't really like her in the first place.I always want what I can't have and I forget that that's how I am. I was being nice, hoping she was happy. I never said I fucking wanted you back, dumb fuck.

I try to be nice to people and then they remind me why I fucking don't like people.



My dad is dipping a banana in his yogurt and it's making me feel better because he's spilling.



Really, she's not worth my time, thoughts, or even this post. I don't know why I ever subjected myself to her, ever. I won't spend anymore breath or thoughts on you anymore, you don't need to worry. Over it.