My sister moved back in; the oldest one. Since she's been back, we've kind of started bonding, which is cool because I've never felt very close to her. She has problems, though. I know a lot about her that I'm not supposed to know. We all know about her dad, who is different than my other sister's father. He was a crazy abusive drunk who left her early, before she was even three or something. My step mom tells me she's so much like him when she's not around. She fights the worst out of my sisters, too, I think.

My younger sisters' father adopted her when she was about seven and he got with my step mom. My dad told me that when the other girls, his own kids, came into the picture things became different. He'd buy them top notch shit and get her a hand-me-down or something like that. They said it was really obvious as to who he cared for more. And I can't imagine what all that can do to a kid.

The weird thing is that she's super bubbly most of the time, but I feel like it's not really true.

A few months ago, she was living with this guy who was fucking terrible to her and she got pregnant and came to my step mom to ask what to do. My step mom said it wasn't her choice to make and my sister went kind of insane and got an abortion. I only know that because my dad told me about it and told me that better never be me.

I keep thinking over and over and wonder what that must feel like. I can't even imagine. I try not to look at her when people bring up kids or abortions or things like that. I pretend like I don't hear it because I know that in the back of her head somthing goes off.

Anyways, I'm happy we're gettin closer.

Sometimes I am so lost in this universe. Boo-hoo, cliche. But honestly, it's like I'm just floating around. I'm not sure if we all have an actual purpose or if everyone creates their own purpose. I guess it's the latter because if we all had a purpose, you'd figure someone would've told us what it was by now.

I think about dying every now and then, but I'd never kill myself. I know there's going to be a time where I can live with myself, for myself and I guess that's what I'm waiting for.

I have a job and I don't like it. My boss is an asshole, he can't get my name right, everyone makes fun of me for having a crush on one of the employees (which I actually find sort of amusing, i guess), and I work pretty much alone unless one of the cooks starts a talk. Yesterday, one of them asked me how my boyfriend was or some shit, i couldn't really understand him. And I was like, "My boyfriend?" And he pointed at the cute employee who got all embarrassed and turned around to cook his meat. I'm a vegetarian. I told him I don't date guys who cook meat. We laughed about it and it didn't bother me; I'm glad I can joke about that shit. We're at the point where everyone openly discusses my crush.

This is what has made me get over it real, real fast. And now that I don't get butterflies in my stomach before work anymore, it's really fucking boring and lame and I can't stand all the meat. But I can't quit until I get another job. Whatever. I honestly just don't care about the job at all, only the money.

I'm lucky to even have a job.
I'll be more happy once I start meditating again.

I'll be back. I'm sleepy.

I dropped this like I drop everything and picked it up again because i felt like i needed it, which is what i always do.

anyways, long time no post.

i think i'm getting deperssed again, but i'm okay some of the time, so it's alright.

i'm too high to write about all the stuff i want to write about, so i'll be back. i'm going to go to sleep after i eat a bowl of cherios and almond milk. sleep and food are two things to live for, i'll have to remember that later.